Click here to read this playscript in Spanish: UNA MALA HAMBURGESA 

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©    ONE BAD BURGER

CHARACTERS:

NONA

EMILY

CHARLY

PHILIP

LISA

VOICE OF  9-1-1 DISPATCHER

POLICE OFFICER 1

POLICE OFFICER 2

SCRIPT:

ACT I – IN THE KITCHEN

(Nona is in the kitchen washing the dishes.  Emily, Charly, Philip,  and Lisa enter.  Emily has a paper bag with hamburgers.  Nona turns around)

NONA:  What took you so long?.

PHILIP: That place was crowded!.

(They sit around the table)

EMILY:  (she puts the bag with the hamburgers on the table)Yeah, then there was a traffic jam.  It’s so hard to go out on a Friday night!.

LISA:  Did you see that guy’s face when the clerk spilled lemonade all over him?.

PHILIP:  (while talking he stands, opens the refrigerator and takes out five cans of soda.  He puts them in the center of the table.  Each one of them take a can of soda, open it, and start to drink.  Nona hands out the hamburgers.  They start to eat ). He was furious when he saw his iPhone all wet!.

EMILY:  Who wouldn’t be?.  I bet that clerk is out on the streets by now!.

CHARLY:  I’m so hungry!.

EMILY:  (chewing) Mmmm delicious!.

CHARLY:  So, are we gonna go to the movies tonight?.

PHILIP:  Yeah, let’s go see The Hunger Games.

LISA:  What is it about?.

PHILIP:  I won’t tell you, but it’s a good movie.

EMILY:  Good movie?. This is by far the best movie this year!.

LISA:  My cousin told me it’s pretty much the same story as Running Man.

EMILY:  Nothing compares to Hunger Games!.

LISA:  OK, but what is it about?.

CHARLY:  Basically, the place that used to be North America is now a place called Panem. There used to be 13 districts until all came together against the capitol.

PHILIP:  (to Nona)  What’s wrong Nona?.

NONA:  It’s the hamburger.  It tastes funny!.

EMILY:  Mine is soooo good!.

CHARLY:  Mine too. It’s so juicy!.

PHILIP:  These are the best hamburgers in town!.

LISA:  Definitely!.

NONA:  The burger is not good!.  (she stands up and picks up the phone and dials a number)

PHILIP:  Who are you calling?.

NONA:  I’m calling that fast food restaurant. What’s its name?.

EMILY:  Leo’s Grill.

NONA:  (furious) Whatever!.  (she starts to talk on the phone) Hello…yes, this is Nona Baker, I live at 730 Violet Street…some of my friends just bought some hamburgers from your place, but mine is really bad…who knows what you put in it…and I am not going to eat it…(pause) What can you do for me? … I want my money back…that’s WHAT I WANT!.  (pause)  Tomorrow?.  No!  I can’t wait till tomorrow…If you don’t give me my money today, I’ll call the police…(pause) fine!.  (hangs up the phone)

PHILIP: (to Nona) You’re overreacting!.

LISA:  (stands up)  Sit down Nona, I’ll cook you something else.

NONA:  No. I’m calling the police!.

EMILY:  I don’t think you should alert the authorities about a not to good hamburger!.

CHARLY:  Ha, ha, ha, what if the meat contains pink slime?.

LISA:  (she sits) Charly, this is not a joke!.

NONA:  Yes, that’s it.  It’s that pink slime everybody is talking about.  It’s in the news everyday.  Now more than ever I have to call the police!.

LISA:  You’re being paranoic!.

PHILIP:  (sarcastically) Maybe you should call the health department first.

EMILY:  How do you feel Nona?.  Do you feel nausea?.  Do you want to throw up?.

NONA:  No, at least not yet.  But what if I had food poisoning?.  What if you have to call an ambulance and take me to the hospital?.  I’m calling 9-1-1 right now!.  (she picks up the phone and dials 911)

CHARLY:  Now we are gonna have a much bigger problem than taking one bite of a bad burger!.

NONA:  It’s a nasty burger!.

LISA:  Hang up the phone. You’re not dying!.

NONA:  All I want is my money back TODAY!.  Not tomorrow!.

LISA:  (takes money from her purse and gives it to Nona) If that’s all you want… there’s you’re money!.  Now, SIT and let’s finish our meal!.

NONA:  No!.

EMILY:  I really believe you’re abusing the 911 line.

CHARLY:  Pleaseeeee, hang up the phone.  It’s no big deal!.

NONA: This is an emergency, at least it is for me!.

VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER:  You’re calling 9-1-1.  Where is your emergency?.

NONA:  Mam, can you please send a police officer to my house?.

VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER:  What’s the address?.

NONA: 730 Violet Street.  It’s behind the Public Library.

VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER:  What is the emergency?.

NONA:  I can hardly hear you.  Can you please speak louder!.

VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER:  (yelling) What is the emergency?.

NONA:  My friends bought some hamburgers at Leo’s Grill, but mine is no good, it tastes funny.  I called the restaurant but the lady told me to bring it back and I would get my money back but until tomorrow.  I’m really hungry right now.  It was a hard long day at work, and all I wanted was to chat and have dinner with my friends.  To tell you the truth, I really blame it on the pink slime.

VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER:  Please give me your full name and phone number.

NONA:  My name is Nona Baker, and my phone number is 774-95-96.

VOICE OF 9-1-1 DISPATCHER:  Can you please remain in your house.  An officer will arrive shortly.

NONA:  Sure mam, I’m not going anywhere until my problem is solved.  (she hangs up the phone). (to her friends)  See, that was easy.  An officer is on his way!.

EMILY:  (angry) Nona, the fact that Leo’s Grill would not issue you a refund  today is not an emergency.  The nasty burger was no threat on your life, you were not injured…. no emergency!. If you want to have a complaint, call the corporate office of the restaurant!.

LISA:  She’s right.  You should have called the customer service line if you were unhappy with your burger, not 9-1-1.

PHILIP:  It’s too late for that.

LISA:  Now all of us are in big trouble.

(The door bell rings)

CHARLY:  Those must be the boys in blue.

(Nona opens the door)

POLICE OFFICER 1:  Miss Nona Baker?.

NONA:  That’s me officer.

POLICE OFFICER 2:  (handcuffs Nona)  You are under arrest for misusing the 9-1-1 system for a fast food meal.

NONA:  What?.

POLICE OFFICER 1:  (walks away with Nona) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an …

(They leave the stage)

LISA:  Did that really happen?.

EMILY:  Wow!. That was a one bad burger.

CHARLY:  I wonder if they have better burgers in jail.

PHILIP:  Maybe they do,who knows.

LISA:  Well, that solved her problem.  Are we still going to see that movie?.

CHARLY:  Yeah, why not?.  Let’s go!.

(They leave the stage)

THE END

Author: K I D S I N C O

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