Click here to read this playscript in Spanish: NO TOTALMENTE MUERTO
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© NOT QUITE DEAD
CHARACTERS:
KATO
IMAN (Kato’s wife)
SHASA (Kato’s sister)
MORGUE DRIVER
MORGUE OWNER
MORGUE EMPLOYEE
POLICE OFFICER
SCRIPT:
ACT I – AT KATO’S HOME
(Kato, his wife, and his sister are in the dining room)
IMAN: (to Kato) How was work?.
KATO: It was terrible!. I feel so stressed out!.
SHASA: You should try to work less. Oh, I hate your boss. She makes you work long hours. She’s a witch!. Why don’t you quit, and look for another job?.
IMAN: He can’t!. We have to pay our monthly mortgage payments, or we may lose our home.
SHASA: Oh, sorry, I didn’t know. (looks at Kato) What’s wrong with you?. Are you feeling alright?.
IMAN: Kato, you look pale!.
KATO: (stands up) I’m tired. I’m going to bed. I don’t want to eat anything. (to Iman) Give me a pill, please, I have a terrible headache.
IMAN: Sure, dear.
(She stands up, takes a bottle of medicine from the cabinet, and gives a pill to Kato. Kato takes the pill, then he falls to the floor)
IMAN: Kato!. Kato!.
(Shasa stands up and kneels down beside Kato)
SHASA: Oh, my God!.
(Iman slaps Kato)
IMAN: Kato!. This is not funny!.
(She slaps him once again. Shasa checks his pulse, and listens to his heartbeat)
SHASA: Iman… I think he’s dead.
IMAN: Dead?. No!. Wake up, my dear!. (slaps Kato and tries to open his eyes) Open your eyes!. Remember the house payments!. You can’t do this to me!.
SHASA: He’s not breathing. He is completely dead!.
IMAN: So, he can’t be partially dead, right?.
SHASA: No,he is totally dead. (she spells the word) D-E-A-D …dead.
IMAN: (crying) Kato, what am I going to do without you?.
(Shasa stands)
SHASA: I’ll call the morgue.
IMAN: No, call the doctor!.
SHASA: What for?. The doctor will not bring him to life. He is in heaven now.
IMAN: Oh, Kato!. I will always love you.
(Shasa picks up the phone, dials a number, and talks in a low voice)
IMAN: What did they say?.
SHASA: They’ll be here in five minutes.
IMAN: (to Kato crying) You will never wear your favorite shirt again. You will never have another birthday cake. You will not play baseball anymore. You will never drive your car. You will never…
SHASA: Stop it!.
(The door bell rings)
SHASA: I’ll open the door. (she goes to the door, opens it, and two men enter)
MORGUE EMPLOYER: Is this 423 Mandela St.?.
SHASA: Yes, it is.
MORGUE EMPLOYEE: We’re from the morgue. We came to collect a body.
SHASA: Please, come in and follow me.
(The Driver and the Morgue Employee follow Shasa to the dining room. They kneel down beside Kato)
MORGUE DRIVER: First, I have to examine him (he checks his pulse, and looks for a heartbeat). There’s nothing.
(Iman and Shasa cry louder)
MORGUE EMPLOYEE: We’re sorry ladies, but we have to take him to the morgue. (He covers Kato with a white sheet, then he and the Morgue Driver put him on a stretcher and leave. Iman and Shasa hug and cry)
ACT II – AT THE MORGUE
(Kato is lying on a stretcher in a “refrigerated room”. There are other two more bodies lying on stretchers. In another room, The Morgue Employer is typing on his computer, and the Morgue Driver is reading the newspaper. Kato opens his eyes)
KATO: Brrrr…it’s so cold in here. Iman, please turn off the air conditioner. (He waits for a few minutes) Iman, didn’t you hear me?. (silence) Fine, I’ll do it myself. (He stands and walks in the room) It’s so dark in here, I can’t see anything. I’ll turn on the lights. (He tries to reach the light switch but he can’t find it) Mmmm, where’s the switch? (He looks around in the dark touching objects that seem strange to him. He touches a foot from one of the bodies) What is this?. It seems like a foot, a cold foot, but it’s not Iman’s . This is a man’s foot!. Where am I?. (He starts to yell) Iman!. Iman!.
(Morgue Employer stops typing)
MORGUE EMPLOYER: Did you hear something?.
MORGUE DRIVER: (Reading the newspaper) No.
(Kato keeps yelling, and tries to open the door)
KATO: Help!. Help!. Please, somebody help me!.
(Morgue Driver stands)
MORGUE DRIVER: You were right…I heard something.
MORGUE EMPLOYER: Shhhh…quiet.
(Kato keeps yelling)
KATO: (pounding on the door) Help!. Get me out of here!.
MORGUE DRIVER: My God, I think it’s a ghost!.
(Morgue Owner enters)
MORGUE OWNER: What’s all that noise!?.
MORGUE DRIVER: It wasn’t us chief. The noise is coming from over there.
MORGUE OWNER: It can be!.
(Kato keeps yelling and pounding on the door)
MORGUE DRIVER: I told you. It’s a ghost!.
MORGUE EMPLOYER: This place is haunted. I’m getting out of here.
(starts to leave)
MORGUE DRIVER: Me too!.
(starts to leave)
MORGUE OWNER: Hey, hey, hey wait!.
MORGUE EMPLOYER: I’m telling you, there’s no way I’m staying here.
MORGUE DRIVER: Me neither!.
MORGUE OWNER: Come on, don’t be scared!. I’ll call the police!.
MORGUE DRIVER: The police?. What for?. You should called the Ghostbusters!.
MORGUE EMPLOYER: He’s right.
MORGUE OWNER: That’s nonsense!. I’ll call the police. (He picks up the phone, dials a number, talks in a low voice, then he hangs up the phone) They’ll be here in less than a minute.
MORGUE EMPLOYER: The noise stopped.
MORGUE OWNER: Let’s sit, and calm down. (They sit. Minutes later the door opens. Iman and Shasa enter) Who are you?.
MORGUE EMPLOYER: They are the relatives of the deceased man we brought about an hour ago.
MORGUE DRIVER: We are waiting for the cops to arrive.
IMAN: Why?. What happened?.
MORGUE OWNER: Nothing, don’t worry.
MORGUE EMPLOYER: There’s a ghost in the back room.
SHASA: A ghost?.
MORGUE OWNER: Don’t listen to him. What can I do for you?.
IMAN: We are here to fill out the forms to take my husband’s body to the funeral home.
MORGUE OWNER: Oh yes, please sit down.
(The door opens. The Police Officer enters)
POLICE OFFICER: What’s the emergency?.
MORGUE EMPLOYER: There’s a ghost in the other room.
POLICE OFFICER: Ha, ha, ha, there are no ghosts, gentlemen!.
MORGUE OWNER: I think we have one in the refrigerated room.
POLICE OFFICER: Let’s go take a look. (he takes out his gun)
MORGUE OWNER: I’m glad you have your firearm, just in case something wants to fight with us.
POLICE OFFICER: You want me to shoot a ghost?.
MORGUE OWNER: Well, it might work.
(Police Officer heads to the Refrigerated Room. He is followed by Morgue Owner, Morgue Driver, Morgue Employer, Iman, and Shasa. Kato keeps kicking and pounding on the door)
MORGUE EMPLOYER: See. We told you!.
(Police Officer opens the door. They see Kato standing near the door)
POLICE OFFICER: Is this your ghost?.
IMAN: (hugging him) Oh Kato, I’m so happy that you’re alive!.
KATO: How on earth did I get here?.
SHASA: Oh, brother… you’re lucky they put you in the refrigerator … not an incinerator.
POLICE OFFICER: Who is this man?.
IMAN: He’s my husband. And he’s alive!.
MORGUE OWNER: I can’t believe it!.
SHASA: (to Morgue Driver) You said he was dead. I’m going to sue you!.
IMAN: (to Shasa) You said he was dead…first!.
MORGUE OWNER: (to Police Officer) Thank you officer for coming. We don’t need you anymore.
POLICE OFFICER: Next time you think it’s a ghost don’t call the police…call the Ghostbusters… their vacum cleaners work a lot better than guns. Ha,ha, ha, ha.
(Police Officer leaves)
IMAN: Come on, dear. As soon as we get home I’ll make you a hot cup of tea.
KATO: Yes, it’s been a crazy day!.
MORGUE OWNER: Please, forgive us Mr. Kato.
KATO: Never mind. I’m not quite dead …yet!.
(Iman, Kato, and Shasa leave)
MORGUE OWNER: Uffff….He’s a fortunate man. It’s a good thing he didn’t wake up in the middle of the autopsy.
THE END
Author: K I D S I N C O
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Tags: coffin, day of the dead, dead man, dead man alive, deceased man, funeral home, ghost, ghost in morgue, man at the morgue, man in coffin, police, sister, wife